Dude, don’t let this recession thing get you down. It’s not as bad as The Man is making it seem. Think about it—no one cares anymore and you can finally wear sweatpants to work! And that’s just the start. You gotta look at the recession not as a scary thing, but a lifeline coming to save you! Embrace the Big R.

Besides just straight relaxing at work, you can also peel away your outer shell and get in touch with the core of your being. Man, you gotta remember that you don’t own your stock portfolio—it’s your stock portfolio that owns you. Now my portfolio is full of my calligraphy and leaf sketches. I’ve never been this free in my life! I remember during the last downturn, I just had this impulse to get back to my real self, as I was originally. The womb, man. So I just took off my tie, it was like a noose around my neck. And then I tore off my suit jacket—it felt like a straight jacket. And my pants, man. They were like two anchors, man, pinning me down to this earth. And that’s when they escorted me out of the IFC.

I used to think life was all about my stereo equipment, my BMW, my 2,000 square foot luxury flat. But after I lost my job, and was kicked out of my apartment, I thought, “Screw this, man. It’s just not right.” So I traded in my wheels for a totally kick-ass minivan. And now I live there with my friends! Now we just drive somewhere and chill out. Sure beats riding the Mid-Levels escalator down to Oppression-ville.

And man, I don’t call it “getting laid off”—I call it getting laid on, laid on with your dreams. Now is the time to live the life you want, not the life your boss wants. It’s just like what happened to me. I used to be a banker, man, just like you. But after my drug arrest, I got my life really sorted out. I moved to Lamma, and opened a shop selling bottles of colored sand. Ever since I was a kid, I always wanted to sell my sand arts—and man, look at me now. I’ve got a couch, two dogs, I’m living the dream! And now you can too! Hey, would you like to buy this shark’s tooth necklace?

Peace.